If you see The Pink Panther playing a saxophone on these pages it is OK. It isn't your eyesight playing up
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They have to be good to make this page.
Blessed is the man who has learned to
himself for he shall never cease to be entertained
I have a thing about tailgaters on the roads. And I am not a slow driver. But why is it always certain types of car that are always up your tailpipe ?
Owed to Tailgaters everywhere.
(With apologies to Lewis Carroll)
Will you drive a little faster said the woman to the male
There's an AUDI close behind us and its treading on our tail
Here is a site which might make you giggle :
www.dumblaws.com You won't believe the laws they have in North America (and the UK)
These are actual laws or bye laws, which have not been repealed.
For instance, in Canada it is illegal to push a moose out of a moving aircraft. Have you ever tried to push a moose......
In California it is illegal for a woman to drive in a housecoat..... and Bath houses are illegal
All English males over the age 14 are to carry out 2 hours of
practice a week supervised by the local clergy.
London Hackney Carriages (taxis/cabs) must carry a bale of hay and a sack of oats.
A bed may not be hung out of a window.
It is illegal for a lady to eat chocolates on a public conveyance.
Mince pies are not to be eaten on Christmas Day. Oliver Cromwell felt it was not Puritan enough.
It is illegal for a Member of Parliament to enter the House of Commons wearing a full suit of armour.
In Liverpool it is illegal for a woman to be topless in public except as a clerk in a tropical fish store ! Mermaids ?
It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament. We're not sure what the punishment for this particular offence would be.
In a law passed in 1837, women are allowed to bite off a man's nose if he kisses her against her will.
A law enacted by George I states that: "The severest penalties will be suffered by any commoner who doth permit his animal to have carnal knowledge of a pet of the Royal house."
It is illegal to stand within one hundred yards of the reigning monarch when not wearing socks.
In 1307 it was decreed that the head of any dead whale found on the British coast becomes the property of the king, while the tail belongs to the queen
A Freeman of London is allowed to drive a flock of sheep across London Bridge without being charged a toll, drive geese down Cheapside and get married in St Paul's Cathedral, and will not get arrested if found drunk and disorderly.
Welshmen are banned from entering the city of Chester before sunrise and from staying after sunset.
Londoners may not have a pigsty outside their homes.
In it is still legal to murder a Scotsman within York city's walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow.
...and in Hereford, you may not shoot a Welsh person on Sunday with a longbow in the Cathedral Close.
Anyone found breaking a boiled egg at the sharp end will be sentenced to 24 hours in the village stocks.
It is an act of treason to stick a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside down.
It is illegal for a woman to be topless in public except as a clerk in a tropical fish store.
South Africa Young : people wearing bathing suits are prohibited from sitting less than 12 inches apart.
Thailand : It is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear.and You must wear a shirt while driving a car.
Romance and weather in Scotland. Just got off the phone
a friend who lives in Scotland.. She said that since early this morning
snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.
The temperature is dropping far below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken bastard in.
Mother's letter to a son
My dear John, I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I won't be able to send the address as the last people who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will remain same too. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet but I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket. Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery. Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your uncle fell in the vat at the distillery. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. When he was cremated he burned for three days. There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. Love - Mom. P.S. I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed this letter.
I had amnesia once — or was it twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses side-saddle.
What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible … and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto a M25.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Is there another word for synonym?
Some REAL quotes
“Queen Elizabeth Taylor.” – Thai Prime Minister Banharn Silpa-archa, referring to the Queen of England.
"I would never approach a small-breasted woman." – President Clinton, denying that he had sexually harassed Kathleen Willey
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." – George W. Bush
"This is a great day for France!" – President Richard Nixon at French President Charles de Gaulle's funeral.
"I've now been in 57 states – I think one left to go." – Barack Obama at a campaign event in Beaverton, Oregon.
We are not without accomplishment. We have
managed to distribute poverty equally.” – Nguen Co Thatch, Vietnamese
BBC TV: "And so for the moment the ladies' hockey team is down to ten men"
Derek Thompson : "But the horse is twelve months older than he was twelve months ago"
Jenson Button: "All week I have been struggling with a nervous rear end"
Piers Morgan (to Rolfe Harris) : "You were once voted the greatest living artist, beating Rembrandt and Constable"
Ian Robertson : "It's 50-50 in Wales' favour"
Boris Becker : "Federer's balls look like watermelons out there"
Terry Wogan : "What piece of clothing is traditionally worn by a sportsman representing his country ?" Contestant: "A jockstrap?"
Bradley Walsh "Shane Warne played Test cricket for which country ?" Contestant : "France?"
Paddy O'Connell: "Beckham is no rocket
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is very touching. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.
Three guys were planning a fishing trip for the weekend. Later Bob phones to say sorry, his wife wants him at home. So they go off and are surprised to find Bob already setting up camp by the lake. They ask whether his wife relented and let him go. "Well", say Bob, "she has been reading this book 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she asked me to tie her to the bed, naked, and said "Do anything you want". "So here I am"
Unpredictable texts : I haven't laughed so much in years : see http://damnyouautocorrect.com/
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from
bottle of Tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die rich.
Nurse: A person who wakes you up to give you sleeping pills.
Marriage: An agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine water power.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Dictionary: One place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills.
Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth
There is a new camera and the shutter is so fact it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth closed.
Etc: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
THOSE HILARIOUS HOTEL SIGNS
More for oldies
~Your kids are becoming you, and you don’t like them. But your grandchildren are perfect!
~Going out is good. Coming home is better!
~When you needed the discount, you paid full price. Now, you get discounts on everything: movies, hotels, flights, but you don’t feel like going to the trouble.
~You forget names, but it’s OK because other people forgot they even know you!!!
~The five pounds you wanted to lose is now fifteen and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the fifteen pounds.
~You realize you’re never going to be really good at anything, especially golf.
~Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don’t remember.
~The things you cared to do, you don’t care to do, but you care that you don’t care to do them anymore.
~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It’s called his “pre-sleep”.
~Remember when your mother said, “Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident”? Now you bring clean underwear in case you have an accident!
~You used to say, “I hope my kids get married.” Now you say, “I hope they stay married!”
~You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON” and “OFF” switch.
~You remember when Google, iPod, email, modem were unheard of and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.
~You now use more four-letter words ..”what?”…”when?”
~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it’s not safe to wear it anywhere.
~Your husband has a night out with the guys but he’s home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P.M.
~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you’ve already read it.
~Now that your husband has retired, you’d give anything if he’d find a job!
~You have three sizes of clothes in your closet …two of which you will never wear.
~But old is good in some things: old songs, old movies and best of all, OLD FRIENDS -if you can remember who they are!
Artery……………………….. The study of paintings
Bacteria……………………. .Back door to cafeteria
Barium……………………… What doctors do when patients die
Benign……………………… What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section…… .........A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat scan………………......…Searching for Kitty
Cauterize…………………... Made eye contact with her
Colic……………………… A sheep dog
Coma……………………… A punctuation mark
Dilate………………………. To live a long time
Enema………………………Not a friend
Fester……………………… Quicker than someone else
Fibula……………………… A small lie
Impotent……………………Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain……………......Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff…………........A Doctor's cane
Morbid…………………… A higher offer
Nitrates…………………… Cheaper than day rates
Node……………………… I knew it
Outpatient………………… A person who has fainted
Pelvis……………....……… Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative………… ....A letter carrier
Recovery Room………...... Place to do upholstery
Rectum……………………. Nearly killed him
Secretion…………………. Hiding something
Seizure…………………… Roman emperor
Tablet……………………… A small table
Terminal Illness……............ Getting sick at the airport
Tumour……………………… One plus one more
Urine……………………….. Opposite of you're out
Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male. (not Boy George?)
Lost: small brown poodle. Neutered. Like one of the family.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Joining nudist colony. Must sell washer and dryer £300.
Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts.
Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.
Cows, calves never bred…also one gay bull for sale.
Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.
1. Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems but, come to think of it, neither does milk.
2. Never kick a cow pat on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman... neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of people. The
ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to touch the electric fence for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. AND FINALLY, After eating an entire
bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Songs of the Sixties
Herman's Hermits : Mrs Brown you've got a lovely walker
Procol Harem : A whiter shade of hair
Willie Nelson : On the commode again
Marvin Gaye : I heard it through the grape nuts
The Beatles : I get by with a little help from Depends
Bobby Darin : Splish, splash, I was having a flash
The Bee Gees : How can you mend a broken hip ?
The Commodores : Knock three times on the ceiling if you want me. Twice on the pipe if you've just had a fall
Johnny Nash : I can see clearly now the brain has gone
Leo Sayer : You make me feel like napping
Leslie Gore : It's my procedure and I'll cry if I want to
Paul Simon : There's fifty ways to lose your liver
Roberta Flack : The first time I ever forgot your face.
Abba : She's a denture queen, just watch her gleam
A recent report noted that local authorities are closing public toilets at an alarming rate, on cost grounds
The Perfect couple : http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf
I don't know if you have ever tried Speech recognitions software. A friend did and this was his (genuine) result.
Mind you, speech recognition programs are much better these days, especially on an iPad. In fact, almost perfect
GOLDY LOGS AND THE THREE PEARS.
Once upon a time, there was a little curl his name was goldy logs.
One day she went for a wart in the woods and this covered a little house.
As she was tied she not on the door and weighted.
Nobody asked her, associated a whale longer and then not the game.
Still nobody asked her, so she opened a door and wedding.
In the livid room there was a cable and three shares, - a little share and to pictures.
On the cable there were three blades of polish, two pig blades and once more played.
As she was angry, she sat down on the small share and tasted one of the pig blades.
It wasn’t swede enough, so she tried the other pig blade.
That was too swede, so she tried the small blade.
That was just right, associated all up.
Then she felt tied, so she went up stares to have a looker33 round.
There was a bird room with two big birds and one small bird.
She lay down on the big bird but that was too hard.
Then she laid down on the other big bird, but that was all so hard.
So she laid down on the small bird and that was just right, and she fell past a sleep.
While she was a sleep, in two the house came three pears –
A dandy pear a money pear and baby pear.
They sat down at the table to eat their polish.
The dandy pear said, hose bean eating my polish?
The money pear said, hose the meeting might orange?
The baby their said hose bin eating might orange, it saw gone!
Then they all went up to bet.
Dandy pear said sun bodies bean slipping in my bet.
Money pear said sun bodies bean slipping in my bet.
Baby pear dried out, look, a little curls father sleep in my bet.
Southerly, Goldy logs woke up, saw the three pears, and screened!
Then she jumped out of the bet, random the stairs and utter the house.
And she never wet in the woods again!
Wingeing Poms There's no-one like
for having a little moan !
These were sent from Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the guests' complaints.
"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."
"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."
"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."
A tourist at an African game lodge spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".
"The beach was too sandy."
"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."
"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."
"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."
"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."
"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."
"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."
"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?" (Blondes?)
"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."
"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."
"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."
"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
Bless 'em - what would have happened to them if they couldn't play soccer?
"My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7." David Beckham
"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league." Mark Viduka
"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had." David Beckham
"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day." Neville Southall
"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable." Paul Gascoigne
"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well." Alan Shearer
"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona " Mark Draper
"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out." Peter Shilton
"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester " Stan Collymore
"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match." Ian Wright
"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier." Ugo Ehiogu
"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough." Jonathan Woodgate
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." Stuart Pearce
"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right." Lee Hendrie
"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country." Ian Rush
"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock." Barry Venison
"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet." David Beckham
"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed." Mitchell Thomas
"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.." Alan Shearer
"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd." Johnny Giles
"Sometimes in football you have to score goals." Thierry Henry
Awful New stuff
1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
4. Work is fine if it doesn’t take too much of your time.
5. When everything comes your way you’re in the wrong lane.
6. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or in love with someone else.
7. Born free, taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.
9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your trousers.
12. It’s not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
13. I love being a writer… what I can’t stand is the paperwork.
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
19. Beat the 5 O’clock rush, leave work at noon!.
20 It’s not the fall that kills you. It’s the sudden stop at the end.
21 In order to get a loan, you first need to prove that you don’t need it.
22. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. – Cunino’s Law of Burnt Fingers
24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
25. Someday is not a day of the week
26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
27. To err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.
28. The road to success is always under
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.. He thought he
God and I didn't.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do you want fries with that?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Car Park sign : Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on
Procrastinate ? Me ? I haven't yet started to procrastinate.
Why did the boy mouse get on so well with the girl mouse : They just seemed to click
Error! Detached keyboard. Press F1 to resume.
Some software isn't released. It just escaped.
When you think you have mastered your computer/software it is probably obsolete.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
Short of hard drive space ? Just delete Windows Vista !
F u cn rd ths u cn gt a gd jb wth a mbl phn co
Winzip says : " Do you realise that your files are unzipped?"
Why did you give up internet shopping ? I just couldn't get the trolley to stay on my desk.
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking pavement: 1 bananosecond
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1 million aches: 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it for a moment)
2000 mockingbirds: 2 kilomockingbirds
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling apples: 1 Newton
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
2 monograms: 1 diagram
Murphy's Lesser-known Laws:
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last..... thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
If the shoe fits.....get another one just like it.
The things that come to those who wait ......will be the things left by those who got there first.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine
for doing well.
QUIZ SHOWS (at least the presenters do try to be helpful, usually without a result)
Danny Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year? Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue. Kelly: OK. What do beans come in? Contestant: Cartons?
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is? Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point. Theakston: There's a clue in the title. Contestant: Leicester.
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World? Contestant: I don't know. White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow? Contestant: Arm. White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...? Contestant: Strong. White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name? Contestant: Louis. White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World? Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'? Contestant: Homosexuals. Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what ? Prison, or the Conservative Party? Contestant: The Conservative Party.
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet? Contestant: Jool carriageway?
DJ Mark: For £10, what is the nationality of the Pope? Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name? Contestant: Goosey?
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963? Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...? Caller: Mohicans.
Phil Wood: What's 11 squared? Contestant: I don't know. Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle. Contestant: Is it five?
Richard and Judy: Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live? Contestant: Err . . . Leslie: He makes bread . . . Contestant: Err . . . Leslie: He makes cakes . . .. Contestant: Kipling Street?
Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated? Contestant: Erm . . . Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964. Contestant: 1965?
Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held? Contestant: Six. Tufnell: Higher! Contestant: Five.
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world? Contestant: Barcelona. Presenter: I was really after the name of a country. Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.
Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total? Contestant: 23.
Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest? Contestant (long pause): Err, it's not in Scotland, is it?
Mick Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter 'e'. Contestant: Ghana. Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean. Contestant: New Zealand.
Presenter What is the world's largest continent? Contestant: The Pacific
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci. Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918? Contestant: Magna Carta.
John O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry? Contestant: Err, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er ... er ... three?
Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what? Contestant: Jelly.
Richard Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess of victory? Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's?
BLIND DATE (ITV) Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen. Boy: Charlotte Bronte.
Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna? Caller: Japan. Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again. Caller: Er ... Mexico?
Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord of the Rings? Contestant: Enid Blyton
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last? Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what? Contestant: Basketball.
Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place? Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbour?
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels? Contestant: Holland? Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet. Contestant: Iceland? Ireland? Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel? Contestant: No.
Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible? Contestant: Er . . . Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .. Contestant: Blimey? Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .. . Contestant: (Silence) Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . . Contestant: Walked?
Dale Winton: Skegness is a seaside resort on the coast of which sea: a) Irish Sea, b) English Channel, c) North Sea? Contestant: Oh, I know that, you can start writing out the cheque now, Dale. It's on the east coast, so it must be the Irish Sea.
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time? Contestant: Nostalgia.
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes? Contestant: Jewish. Presenter: That's close enough.
Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes? Contestant: Ummm . . . Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'. Contestant: Shark.
Steve Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play? Contestant: Jesus.
1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)
3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
6) Mrs. Irene G** of Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
I wrote a poem dedicated to all shopping addicts everywhere
I Must Go Down to the Shops Again
I must go down to the shops again, to the lovely shops in the mall,
And all I ask is a Visa card so I can spend my all.
At the fashion shops and the jewelery store you'll find me if you try,
With a grey mist across my face as I see the latest buy.
I must go down to the shops again; for the call of the closing SALE
Is a wild call and a clear call that makes me go all pale;
I don't care if it's a windy day with the white clouds a-flying,
And I don't care if I'm soaked to the skin as long as I don't end up crying.
I must go down to the shops again, though my overdraft is mounting,
It's a girl's way and a woman's way, after all "Who's counting?"
And all I ask is I get there before the sale is done,
And I get that dress that I'm dreaming of, Oh! great! Isn't this fun!
With apologies to John Masefield .The original is on http://www.bartleby.com/103/98.html
THE SENILITY PRAYER God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference...
Washington Post's reader's explanations
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money in the first place.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
Flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained
Coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs
Abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly, adj. impotent.
Negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a night dress
Lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.
Balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam.
Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after
death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
And a few more
Amalgamation. a gathering of dentists
Canape, The complaint of a penniless Scotsman.
Claustrophobia. Fear of Santa.
Creche. a collision in Belgravia
Decanter. A horse's run up to the starting gate.
Fortitude. The courage needed by a woman to admit she is forty
Quadrangle. Argument between academics
The Washington Post also asked to readers to come up with strange analogies from newspapers : Some writers just have a way with words !
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. (Superb!)
She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was room-temperature beef.
Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually.
He was a lame duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. Some politician you know ?
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his
Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. It could be a right number.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on
the Open Desktop'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' on my desktop and and I wrote 'click''.
Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand
side of the screen, can you see the 'Start' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one...
Customer: "Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out". Tech support: "Have you tried pushing the button? " Customer: "Yes, sure, it's really stuck". Tech support: "That doesn't sound good". Customer: "No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry...."
Tech support: "Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen". Customer: "Your left or my left? "
Male customer: "Hello... I can't print". Tech support: "Would you click on "Start" for me and... "Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, dammit!"
Customer: "Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it..."
Male Customer: "I have problems printing in red..." Tech support: "Do you have a color printer?" Customer: "Aaaah.. thank you."
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me ......
Customer: "My keyboard is not working anymore". Tech support: "Are you sure it's plugged into the back of the computer?" Customer: "Well, I can't get behind the computer". Tech support: "Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back". Customer: "OK". Tech support: "Did the keyboard come with you?" Customer: "Yes". Tech support: "Is there another keyboard?" Customer: "Yes, there's another one here. Ah... that one does work... "
Customer: "I can't get on the Internet". Tech support: "Are you sure you used the right password?" Customer: "Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. He just typed five stars. "
Tech support: "What anti-virus program do you use?" Customer: "Netscape". Tech support: "That's not an anti-virus program". Customer: "Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer".
Customer: "I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears. "
Customer: "I have a problem with my printer". Tech support: "Are you running it under windows?" Customer: "No, my desk is by the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
Customer to Hewlett Packard. "I have a problem with my laser
cartridge. It stopped working. And the mouse is really stuck !"
Tech support. "Mouse ? How do you mean ?"
Customer. "Hang on, I will send you a picture........."
How do you like it, eh ?
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first
night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." -George
Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
Winston Churchill : "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." -
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
No pleasure is worth giving up for the sake of two more years in an old people's home. Kingsley Amis
I can still enjoy sex at 75. I live at 76 and it is no distance. Bob Monkhouse
I am very fond of the gold watch my grandfather sold me on his deathbed. Woody Allen
There is all the difference in the patient's meaning of the word 'comfortable' and the surgeon's. The late Queen Mother
At 90, when asked on TV if he had ever played a romantic lead, actor Finlay Currie replied "Not yet laddie"
The broad mass of a nation will more easily fall victim to a big lie than a small one - Adolf Hitler 1925
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. ~ Bob Hope
Can you read this ?
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mess and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe
New Dictionary Words
Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Cashtration (n): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.
Glibido (n): All talk and no action.
Or.. I don't have a libido, so I have to wash my a*** over the sink
Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come very quickly.
Arachnoleptic fit (n): The frantic dance women perform just after they've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor (n): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.
In 1957, Eugene O'Neil won a Pullet Surprise. ........ I hope he enjoyed it !
The President of the United States, in having foreign affairs, has to have the consent of the Senate.
The difference between a king and a president is that the king is son of the father, but a president isn't. Hmmmm
To collect sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube
There are three kinds of blood vessels, arteries, vanes and caterpillars
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow and not the bull
When you breathe you inspire. When you do not breathe you expire. True
Heredity means that if your grandfather didn't have any children, then your father probably wouldn't have any, and neither would you, probably
The amount of education you have determines your loot in life.... Wrong !
Last year many lives were caused by accidents. True
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics
Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper
History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place long.
Dying, Caesar gasped "Tee hee, Brutus"
Nero would torture people by playing the fiddle to them
The Middle Ages was when everyone was middle aged.
Henry VIII found difficulty walking because he had an abbess on his knee
Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the king by attacking his manhood
Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained
Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when apples are falling off trees
Those Insurance Claim Forms
What gear were you in when the accident happened.? Answer : Reebocks and Wranglers
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I hit a pedestrian
An invisible car came out of nowhere, hit my car, then vanished
The pedestrian admitted it was his fault as he had been knocked down before
I was hit by a stationery car travelling in the opposite direction
The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He went to rest in the bushes with just his rear end showing
I thought my window was down but I found it wasn't when I put my head through it
I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I thought there was any risk
I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before
The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him
Coming home I drove into the wrong house
and hit a tree I don't have.
Some good one-liners
The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards.
Always listen to experts. They’ll tell you what can’t be done and why. Then do it.
The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.
There is no such thing as luck. There is only adequate or inadequate preparation to cope with a statistical universe.
Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well.
Human beings can change a nappy, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.
You live and learn. Or you don’t live long.
Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft... Today, it's called golf
The best computer is man, and it's the only one that can be mass produced by unskilled labor.
How can a woman can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto her upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider ?
There are two theories about arguing with women, and neither of them work.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. ~ Jimmy Durante
A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. ~ W. C. Fields
My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects. ~ Les Dawson
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
Make Love not War. Or get married and do both
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. ~ Jilly Cooper
A married man should forget his mistakes. There is no point in two people remembering the same thing.
If a man says something in a forest and there is no woman with him, is he still wrong ??
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need because it is in the sale.
Medical and Age
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is
you are not a hypochondriac
You can't control the past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you
Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will avoid3072 x 2304 you
Dietitian's advice : If it tastes good ... spit it out
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life
And a funny thing happened on the way to my lawyer's autopsy......
These are all supposed to be genuine from records in American courts:
Barrister : Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p. m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse? A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Q:What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q2: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan!
Q:: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes.
Q2: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget.
Q3: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
We both do.
Q2: Voodoo? A: We do.
Q3:You do? A: Yes, voodoo.
Q:Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
A: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
A: Are you shitting me?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Q2: And what were you doing at that time? A: Getting laid
Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes.
Q2: How many were boys? A: None.
Q: Were there any girls? A:Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death.
Q2: And by whose death was it terminated? A: Take a guess.
Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height
had a beard.
Q2 Was this a male or a female? A: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
Q: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? A:All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? Q: The
started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? A: If not, he was by the time I finished.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? A: Are you qualified to ask that question?
Outline story of Hamlet : Your uncle kills your father and weds your mother, cheating you of your birthright. Your friends spy on you and you go mad. You kill your lover's father. Your lover goes mad and drowns herself. Her brother kills you but not before you see your mother poisoned at which point you kill her husband. And you think you had a bad week ?
Signs around the world
Is this familiar to anyone besides me?
I just wanted to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD .....Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it goes... I decide to wash the car, start down the
and notice the newspaper on the table. OK, I'm going to wash the car...
FIRST I'm going to read the newspaper. After that, I notice the mail on
table. OK, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack .... BUT
I'll look through the pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be
Yes, Now where is the checkbook? Oops.. there's the empty glass from
on the coffee table. I'm going to look for that checkbook... BUT FIRST
need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look out the
notice my poor flowers need a drink of water, I put the glass in the
and there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it
here? I'll just put it away... BUT FIRST I need to water those plants.
head for the door and...Aaaagh! stepped on the cat. Cat needs to be
Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants... BUT FIRST I need
feed the cat.
END OF DAY: Car not washed, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are not paid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote control...And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because...I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious...I'll get help... BUT FIRST...I think I'll check my e-mail
YOU KNOW YOU ARE GETTING OLDER WHEN . . .
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the morning after and you didn't have a night before.
A dripping tap causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
You get winded playing cards.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You join a health club and you don't go.
You know all the answers but nobody asks the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You need glasses to find your glasses.
You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You sit in a rocking chair and you can't get it going.
You sink your teeth in a steak and they stay there.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine chest.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
You look for something well built with nice legs and it's furniture.
You talk louder because everyone else seems to be talking so quietly.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I joined a health club last year, spent about £400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I have had a lot of exercise the last few years...... just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Right now I am having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.... and
think I have forgotten this before.
Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory
Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
QUESTION: How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Golden Retriever : The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got
whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a burned-out
3072 x 2304 Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to standard.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that damned stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Labrador :Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Jack Russell : I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark......
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb ?
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.....
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there....
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb.
German Shepherd: Alright, everyone stop where you are! Who busted the light? I SAID,"STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!"
Even More one-liners
Old brunettes never fade ...... they only dye away
Is there another word for Thesaurus ?
Push. What people do to a door marked 'Pull'
Is the phrase 'a tired old cliche' one ?
A man has to do something to relieve the monogamy.
Haste is the mother of imperfection
God made Adam first because he didn't want any advice on the matter
He gets offended when other people talk whilst he is interrupting.
Foolproof systems never take into account the ingenuity of fools
Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say abstains from giving evidence of that fact
The trouble with the rat race is, even if you win you are still a rat.
Illegal immigrants have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any native Indian.
If someone says "It's not the money, it's the principle" ..... it's the money
Where there's a will ..... there are relations
For every thin girl .... there's a fat man trying to get in
I used to be indecisive.... but now I am not so sure.
Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes it comes alone.
Better to be over the hill than under it.
Conscience is that inner voice that tells you ........someone may be looking
Dolphins are so intelligent that within a few days they can train a man to throw fish for them from the side of a pool.
You may not have paranoia - but that doesn't mean they are not out to get you !
The length of a marriage is in inverse proportion to the the amount spent on the wedding
There is an inverse relationship between the intelligence of a driver and the noise made by his car
Behind every successful man there is a surprised mother in law
Don't try to live up to the Jones's. Drag them down - it's cheaper
All undesirable traits in children inevitably come from your spouse
Actual Instruction Labels
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON: Do not iron clothes on body.
ON A BOTTLE OF CHILDRENS' COUGH MEDICINE: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON A HAIR DRYER: Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP: Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP: Fits one head.~
ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESERT: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR: Not to be used for the other use.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING: Product will be hot after heating.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID): Warning: May cause drowsiness.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: Warning : keep out of children.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS: Warning: Contains nuts.
ON A CONTAINER OF SALT: Warning: High in sodium.
ON A CHILD'S SUPERMAN COSTUME: Wearing this garment does not enable you to fly.
ON A BOTTLE OF MINERAL WATER: Suitable for vegetarians.
ON A CHILD'S PUSHCHAIR: Remove child before folding.
ON BOTTOM OF COLA BOTTLES IN SOME COUNTRIES: Open other end.
ON A BLANKET FROM TAIWAN: Not to be used as protection from a tornado.
The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon
And there are some more..... www.darwinawards.com The things people get up to !
A law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.
It is illegal to give a dog whiskey.
It is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe's neck.
Kites may not be flown within the city limits.
In the Pullman area, it is illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while sitting on the curb.
It is legal to protest naked in front of city hall as long as you are under seventeen years of age and have legal permits.3072 x 2304
in Collinsville http://www.dumblaws.com/law/1636 on July 11th, 2011 the city council voted to ban saggy pants (must not show underwear)
In Blythe California
You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.
In Carmel A man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.
Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)
A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise.
A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.
Flirtation between men and women on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term.
Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
Uunmarried women must not parachute on Sunday or they risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle
It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.(and painful)
You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M.
It is considered an offense to shower naked.
You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers.
You may not kiss your wife's breasts.
Jasper. It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick thicker than his thumb
When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person posseses.
In Tombstone It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.
In Tucson Women may not wear pants
In Denver It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor.
In Devon You aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.
In Hartford You may not educate dog and It is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday.
New Britain : It is illegal for fire trucks to exceed 25mph, even when going to a fire.
Rocky Hill : An arcade may not have more than a total of four amusement devices such as ping-pong tables, pinball machines, or shuffleboard tables.
Waterbury : It is illegal for any beautician to hum, whistle, or sing while working on a customer
It is illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
You may not fish on a camel's back.
Riding a merry-go-round on Sundays is considered a crime.
In Pocatello A person may not be seen in public without a smile on their face..
Rabbits may not be shot from motorboats.
Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights.
No one may catch fish with his bare hands.
The state game rule prohibits the use of mules to hunt ducks.
If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed.
It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault.
At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches.
Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.
All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday.
Any person over the age of 12 may have a license for a handgun as long as he/she has not been convicted of a felony.
It is illegal for a man to scowl at his wife on Sunday.
Red cars may not drive down Lake Street.
If any man and woman shall unlawfully cohabit, whether in adultery or fornication, they shall be fined in any sum not more than five hundred dollars each, and imprisoned in the county jail not more than six months
Unnatural intercourse, if both parties voluntarily participate, results in a maximum sentence of 10 years and $10,000.
If one is a parent to two illegitimate children, that person will go to jail for at least one month.
In Montana, it is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all.
Seven or more indians are considered a raiding or war party and it is legal to shoot them.
If a child burps during church, his parent may be arrested.
It is Illegal to go whale fishing. (In Nebraska !)
New Hampshire You may not tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe. (Spoil Sports!)
In Oregon and New Jersey : You cannot pump your own gas. This is STILL the law in those states
In New York, adultery is still a crime. A dozen people have been charged since the 1970s
Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.
BUT it is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing "body hugging clothing".
Citizens may not greet each other by "putting one's thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers".
A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting.
It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.
New Yorkers cannot dissolve a marriage for irreconcilable differences, unless they both agree to it.
A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.
While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door.
Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 PM.(what ? not even at home ?)
It is illegal to sing off key
In Charlotte : Women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times.
It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with !your shoes on.
Beer and pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
It is legal to shoot an Indian on horseback, provided you are in a covered wagon.
Pennsylvania has some of the oddest laws
It it illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors.
Any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue.
Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass.
A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.
You may not sing in the bathtub.
Fireworks stores may not sell fireworks to Pennsylvania residents.
A person is not eligible to become Governor if he/she has participated in a duel.
All liquor stores must be run by the state.
Motorized vehicles are not to be sold on Sundays.
A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
A person may not purchase or possess beer in containers larger than two liters unless the person is a beer retailer authorized by this title to dispense beer on draft for consumption on the beer retailer's licensed premises. Amended by Chapter 132, 1991 General Session and it is illegal not to drink milk
Click on the fish http://www.sharkbreak.com/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQzUsTFqtW0 Skateboarding dog
3072 x 2304 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKoB0MHVBvM The best use of 160 bottles of Diet Coke
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How is it done ?
To view this you will need a Powerpoint Viewer from Microsoft.
Check on everything about your birthday : http://www.paulsadowski.com/birthday.asp
All the Murphy's Laws in on place http://www.murphys-laws.com/
Another joke site http://pgoh13.free.fr/justforlaughs.php
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