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Updated December 2007 - I have checked each of the links on this site for security

They have to be good to make this page.  

   Blessed is the man who has learned to laugh at himself for he shall never cease to be entertained
Essential viewing : http://www.grumpyoldsod.com/

See http://www.metacafe.com/watch/43941/video/R/CFD_1002/  How is it done ?
To view this you will need a Powerpoint Viewer Click to download.  Useful for viewing those great Metacafe Powerpoint slide shows

This is another amusing Powerpoint entitled Hot drinks To get back to the previous page press Esc

Digital Man walking cartoon

Why do I get the impression this thing is taking over ?

Gorilla Darwin

I can't believe these weedy creatures are relatives of mine

Puzzle and Game Page

Check on everything about your birthday : http://www.paulsadowski.com/birthday.asp

Ever wonder what your icons get up to when you are not looking ? : http://www.xs4all.nl/~jvdkuyp/flash/see.htm

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Songs of the Sixties

Herman's Hermits : Mrs Brown you've got a lovely walker
The Bee Gees : How can you mend a broken hip
The Commodores : Knock three times on the ceiling if you want me.  Twice on the pipe if you've just had a fall
Johnny Nash : I can see clearly now the brain has gone
Leo Sayer : You make me feel like napping
Leslie Gore : It's my proceedure and I'll cry if I want to
Paul Simon : There's fifty ways to lose your liver
Roberta Flack : The first time I ever forgot your face.
Abba : She's a denture queen, just watch her gleam

Public Toilets
A recent report noted that local authorities are closing public toilets at an alarming rate, on cost grounds

Lots of lovely spoof sites at http://j-walk.com/other/

Engineering Terms

Murphy's Lesser-known Laws:

QUIZ SHOWS (at least the presenters do try to be helpful, usually without a result)
Quiz Picture 1 Quiz Picture 2 Quiz Picture 3

Newspaper articles

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and the dont want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

6) Mrs. Irene G** of Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

I wrote a poem dedicated to all shopping addicts everywhere

I Must Go Down to the Shops Again

I must go down to the shops again, to the lovely shops in the mall,
And all I ask is a Visa card so I can spend my all.
At the fashion shops and the jewellery store you'll find me if you try,
With a grey mist across my face as I see the latest buy.

I must go down to the shops again; for the call of the closing SALE
Is a wild call and a clear call that makes me go all pale;
I don't care if it's a windy day with the white clouds a-flying,
And I don't care if I'm soaked to the skin as long as I don't end up crying.

I must go down to the shops again, though my overdraft is mounting,
It's a girl's way and a woman's way, after all "Who's counting?"
And all I ask is I get there before the sale is done,
And I get that dress that I'm dreaming of, Oh! great! Isn't this fun!

With apologies to John Masefield .The original is on http://www.bartleby.com/103/98.html

THE SENILITY PRAYER God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference...

Washington Post's reader's explanations

The Washington Post also asked to readers to come up with strange analogies from newspapers :  Some writers just have a way with words !

***************

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. It could be a right number.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

NTL Support gorilla

Customer to Hewlett Packard.  I have a problem with my laser cartridge. It stopped working.  And the mouse is really stuck !  
Tech support.  Mouse ?  How do you mean ?
Customer.  Hang on, I will send you a picture.........

Mouse stuck in cartridge

 

Mouse uses human

How do you like it, eh ?

Sayings

Can you read this ?
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mess and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe

New Dictionary Words

Schoolboy Howlers

     Those Insurance Claim Forms



Cartoon Lady wiggles

Animated cartoon shows old chap in front of x ray

Genuine extracts from Doctor's (and Secretaries') notes

Medical and Age

Joke operation

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac
You can't control the past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you
Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will avoid you
Dietitian's advice : If it tastes good ... spit it out
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life


And a funny thing happened on the way to my lawyer's autopsy......
Barrister : Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p. m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse? A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Outline story of Hamlet :  Your uncle kills your father and weds your mother, cheating you of your birthright. Your friends spy on you and you go mad. You kill your lover's father.  Your lover goes mad and drowns herself.  Her brother kills you but not before you see your mother poisoned at which point you kill her husband.  And you think you had a bad week ?

Signs around the world

Subject: AAADD
Is this familiar to anyone besides me?
I just wanted to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD .....Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it goes... I decide to wash the car, start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. OK, I'm going to wash the car... BUT FIRST I'm going to read the newspaper. After that, I notice the mail on the table. OK, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack .... BUT FIRST I'll look through the pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes, Now where is the checkbook? Oops.. there's the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I'm going to look for that checkbook... BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water, I put the glass in the sink and there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here? I'll just put it away... BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. I head for the door and...Aaaagh! stepped on the cat. Cat needs to be fed. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants... BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat.

END OF DAY: Car not washed, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are not paid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote control...And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because...I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious...I'll get help... BUT FIRST...I think I'll check my e-mail

YOU KNOW YOU ARE GETTING OLDER WHEN . . .

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the morning after and you didn't have a night before.
A dripping tap causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
You get winded playing cards.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You join a health club and you don't go.
You know all the answers but nobody asks the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You need glasses to find your glasses.
You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You sit in a rocking chair and you can't get it going.
You sink your teeth in a steak and they stay there.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine chest.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
You look for something well built with nice legs and it's furniture.
You talk louder because everyone else seems to be talking so quietly.

***************
Right now I am having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.... and I think I have forgotten this before.
Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory

QUESTION: How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Golden Retriever : The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a burned-out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to standard.
Dachshund:  You know I can't reach that damned stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.Mastiff Dog with very long legs on couch
Labrador :Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Jack Russell :  I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Poodle:  I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark......
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb ?
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.....
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there....
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?
German Shepherd: Alright, everyone stop where you are! Who busted the light?  I SAID,"STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!"

So, what sort of dog are you  ?  Take the test at  www.gone2thedogs.com

Even More one-liners 

  1. A bicycle can't stand on it's own because it is two-tired.
  2. What's the definition of a will ? It's a dead give-away.
  3. Time flies like an arrow - Fruit flies like a banana.
  4. A backward poet writes inverse.
  5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your Count that votes.
  6. Is a chicken crossing the road poultry in motion ?
  7. If you don't pay your exorcist do you get repossessed ?
  8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
  9. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-Flat miner.
  10. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.  Seen this clock ? clock2.htm (click on it)
  11. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
  12. Does a grenade thrown into a kitchen in France result in linoleum blown apart ?
  13. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
  14. Is a Local Area Network in Australia is the Lan down under ?
  15. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
  16. Practice safe eating -- always use condiments
  17. Brain cells come and brain cells go, But fat cells live forever

Cartoon Couple in bed. Man has nailed the blankets down his side
Old brunettes never fade ...... they only dye away
Is there another word for Thesaurus ?
Push. What people do to a door marked 'Pull'
Is the phrase 'a tired old cliche' one ?
A man has to do something to relieve the monogamy.
Haste is the mother of imperfection
God made Adam first because he didn't want any advice on the matter
He gets offended when other people talk whilst he is interrupting.
Foolproof systems never take into account the ingenuity of fools
Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say abstains from giving evidence of that fact
The trouble with the rat race is, even if you win you are still a rat.
Illegal immigrants have always been a problem in the United States.  Ask any native Indian.
If someone says "It's not the money, it's the principle" ..... it's the money
Where there's a will ..... there are relations
For every thin girl .... there's a fat man trying to get in
I used to be indecisive.... but now I am not so sure.
Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes it comes alone.
Better to be over the hill than under it.
Conscience is that inner voice that tells you ........someone may be looking
Dolphins are so intelligent that within a few days they can train a man to throw fish for them from the side of a pool.
You may not have paranoia - but that doesn't mean they are not out to get you !
The length of a marriage is in inverse proportion to the the amount spent on the wedding
There is an inverse relationship between the intelligence of a driver and the noise made by his car
Behind every successful man there is a surprised mother in law
Don't try to live up to the Jones's.  Drag them down - it's cheaper
All undesirable traits inevitably come from your spouse

Actual Instruction Labels

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON: Do not iron clothes on body.
ON A BOTTLE OF CHILDRENS' COUGH MEDICINE:  Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON A HAIR DRYER: Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP: Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP: Fits one head.~
ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESERT: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR: Not to be used for the other use.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:  Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING: Product will be hot after heating.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID): Warning: May cause drowsiness.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:  Warning : keep out of children.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS: Warning: Contains nuts.
ON A CONTAINER OF SALT: Warning: High in sodium.
ON A CHILD'S SUPERMAN COSTUME: Wearing this garment does not enable you to fly.
ON A BOTTLE OF MINERAL WATER: Suitable for vegetarians.
ON A CHILD'S PUSHCHAIR: Remove child before folding.
ON BOTTOM OF COLA BOTTLES IN SOME COUNTRIES: Open other end.
ON A BLANKET FROM TAIWAN: Not to be used as protection from a tornado.

Animated Dancing frog with top hat

The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon

***************

And here is a site which might make you giggle :
www.dumblaws.com  You won't believe the laws they have in North America (and the UK)

These are actual laws or bye laws, which have not been repealed.  
For instance, in Canada it is illegal to push a moose out of a moving aircraft. Have you ever tried to push a moose......
In California it is illegal for a woman to drive in a housecoat..... and Bath houses are illegal

There's more.......

All English males over the age 14 are to carry out 2 hours of longbow practice a week supervised by the local clergy.
London Hackney Carriages (taxis/cabs) must carry a bale of hay and a sack of oats.
A bed may not be hung out of a window.
It is illegal for a lady to eat chocolates on a public conveyance.
Mince pies are not to be eaten on Christmas Day. Oliver Cromwell felt it was not Puritan enough.
It is illegal for a Member of Parliament to enter the House of Commons wearing a full suit of armour.
In Liverpool it is illegal for a woman to be topless in public except as a clerk in a tropical fish store ! Mermaids ?
It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament. We're not sure what the punishment for this particular offence would be.
In a law passed in 1837, women are allowed to bite off a man's nose if he kisses her against her will.
A law enacted by George I states that: "The severest penaltys will be suffered by any commoner who doth permit his animal to have carnal knowledge of a pet of the Royal house."
It is illegal to stand within one hundred yards of the reigning monarch when not wearing socks.
In 1307 it was decreed that the head of any dead whale found on the British coast becomes the property of the king, while the tail belongs to the queen
A Freeman of London is allowed to drive a flock of sheep across London Bridge without being charged a toll, drive geese down Cheapside and get married in St Paul's Cathedral, and will not get arrested if found drunk and disorderly.
Welshmen are banned from entering the city of Chester before sunrise and from staying after sunset.
Londoners may not have a pigsty outside their homes.
In it is still legal to murder a Scotsman within York city's walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow.
...and in Hereford, you may not shoot a Welsh person on Sunday with a longbow in the Cathedral Close.
Anyone found breaking a boiled egg at the sharp end will be sentenced to 24 hours in the village stocks.
It is an act of treason to stick a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside down.


And there are some more.....  www.darwinawards.com  The things people get up to !

Another joke site http://pgoh13.free.fr/justforlaughs.php

This site has got every 'Oldies' joke that ever was http://www.sticksite.com/oldfolks.htm Book an hour to view it!

TIPS

(1) It ain't funny being bitten by mozzies. So try one of these : Bounce Fabric Softener (wipe it all over); Vick's Vapour rub; Avon Bath oil + alcohol (50/50) - they didn't mention which alcohol.  And don't eat bananas !        No guarantees !
(2) Only go to sell things at car boot sales on the first Sunday in the month.  Monthly paid people have most spare cash then

Crossword sites.  You can print them, too

http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/myday/crossword/
http://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcfour/games/crossword/


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